Anguish
by JamesPotterwasntaseeker
Summary: Sirius is paying for someone else's crime. All the while, he's mourning the loss of Lily and James. He also feels extremely guilty because he can't live up to the promise he made to them.  One-shot


**Author's note: **Part 3 of reactions to Lily and James' death. You don't have to read these in order to understand them.

**Disclaimer: **Same ol' song & dance my friend!

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><p><strong>Anguish<strong>

**Part three: Sirius**

I can't believe I'm here. They have the wrong person! I would never tell anyone where they were. I would never let Voldermort hurt James, Lily or Harry. I rather die than let that happen. They were my family, why the fuck would I let anyone know where they lived! I could never betray them.

I missed their funeral. I can't believe they're gone! It's hard to take in. On top of that, what is to happen to Harry? His parents are dead and I'm in Azkaban. I'm his god father. I'm supposed to take care of him and I cannot. I'm letting Lily and James down.

If I could be there for Harry, I would be. If I could have been at their funeral, I would have been. If I could stop them from being killed, I would have risked my very life.

But James was brave to the very end. He was always willing to protect his family, no matter what. And he did. He tried his best. Like he always did.

When I found him after I arrived at their house, I fell apart. To see his lifeless body stretched out in the living room. I rushed over and just stared. His lifeless hazel eyes stared into mine. I lost it. I couldn't look at him like that. He was still warm to the touch, but he wasn't there anymore. My best friend wasn't there anymore. I closed his eyes with a shaky hand. I sat on the floor and rocked back and forth as I looked at James. I didn't cry over my own parents' deaths. He meant so much more to me than they ever could.

I will miss him more than anyone could know. He saw me for something no one else could. He knew deep down I was never a true Black. He knew I wasn't like them. Hell, I didn't even know that about myself until James Potter showed me I didn't have to be like my fucked up family. And I thank him for that. He was the brother and best mate I've always wanted.

And now he's gone. I've never felt so cold and alone. It's not because of this jail and the dementors. It's because my best friend in the whole world is gone. He's no longer here. The only proof that he ever existed is Harry. Harry is his only mark on the world that James Potter lived and he lived well.

I can't believe Lily's gone as well. She was such a fiery, hot-headed girl. She hadn't changed one bit even after we left Hogwarts. She still had that spark as well as a knack for keeping everything orderly. She was like the sister I never had.

It's true. At first I didn't really like Lily simply because she was taking James away from us Marauders. She was changing him, but at the time, I couldn't see that it was for the best. James needed a swift kick in the arse to make him realize a lot of things. Hell, we all needed a swift kick in the arse, except Remus. He was always the most level-headed of us all.

But as time went on and I saw how Lily affected James and how James affected Lily, I couldn't dislike her any longer. She was the best thing that happened to him whilst we were in Hogwarts. And I'm glad for that. James drove us all up the wall with his constant fretting about that girl. I was relieved when she finally fancied him back.

And Harry. He was the best thing that ever happened to both of them. They would have been excellent parents. I know they would have. The right balance of chaos and order. James and Lily were so happy when Harry was born. I've never seen James so happy in all the years I've known him. I have never seen Lily that happy either. It was…magical. They loved Harry right then and there. I couldn't help it, I loved him too.

The wind blew through the tiny window. Sirius felt the cool air blow across his face as it ruffled his air. Tears slowly slipped down his face. His heart was breaking. Not only because he lost two of the most important people in his life, but also because Harry was now an orphan. Sirius felt helpless. He couldn't fulfill his promise to his best friends nor could he be free. He wished he could have done something for James, Lily and now Harry. Nothing would ever be the same.

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><p><strong>AN: **Surprisingly, Sirius was the most heart breaking to write. I don't really know how I feel about it. So, tell me what you think. ;)


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